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tehschkott

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:11 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

This is Joe's advice thread. Ask here and have all your answers revealed! I'll start.

Dear Joe,

I accidentally peed in my pool. Can you provide any tips for getting pee out of a pool?

Tanks
I. P. Freeley

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tehschkott

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:17 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

Dear Joe

If I want to find perfectly flat counter top stock, where should I go? What should I do?

- Big Trouble in Table Town

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tehschkott

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:24 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

Dear Joe

There's this girl I have a crush on but don't really know how to approach her. Do you have any advice for a timid guy trying to get his action going?

Thanks
Albert Prince

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MyNameIsJeff

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:38 pm

BOOSH! Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 2042 Location: Nearest bar.

Dear Joe,

Every time I try to masturbate at work, someone comes in to use the stall. It's fine because it's a one stall sort of bathroom, but they jiggle the handle and then wait. It's really hard to finish when they do that. What can I do?

Not a dry guy, in Seattle

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 6:52 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

tehschkott wrote:

Aside from the 'ick' factor, a properly maintained pool can absorb moderate amounts of pee with no risk to swimmers. The major issue is that, in the long term, continual peeing in the pool can throw off the pH balance of the pool water, which can wear down on equipment and risk allowing algal growths to blossom, in addition to making the pool more acidic than is safe for swimming (in the case of large amounts of pee).

Two things to help:

1)Add water to your pool. This will help dilute the pee. Obviously, don't fill past the manufacturer recommended level.

2)Run the pump with a fresh Diatomacous Earth filter. This will help filter out the impurities introduced by the pee

3)Check the pH of the pool to make sure that it's in the safe zone. If it's too acidic, add Sodium Bicarbonate at the rate of 2lbs per 10,000 gallons of pool water until you reach the optimal pH range. If too alkaline, add Muriatic acid in pool concentration to the tune of 1 gallon per 10,000 gallons until you reach the optimal range.

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 6:55 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

If I want to find perfectly flat counter top stock, where should I go? What should I do?

- Big Trouble in Table Town

What kind of material do you wish to use? If wood, find a local woodworking shop with a planer. Obtain all your wood from a single source, and have them all planed to the desired thickness.

On a large, flat workbench, attach the planks side-by-side and join them with your preferred method- tongue-in-groove, biscuit, or dovetailing.

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 7:06 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

There's this girl I have a crush on but don't really know how to approach her. Do you have any advice for a timid guy trying to get his action going?

Thanks
Albert Prince

Modern mating rituals are, to the untrained eye, a world of uncertainty and risk. But fear not! When in doubt, go back to the basics.

Eschew complicated cultural rituals, and just be direct and to the point. Use a mating ritual.

As honed by our primate ancestors the following *is* the human mating ritual for the role of the male. Perform this flawlessly, and you will be swimming in the ladies.

1)Identify your object of desire, and ideally await a moment when she is more-or-less separated from the pack.

2)From a distance of about 20 feet away, begin snorting softly, and start walking purposefully to her, increasing speed until you are at a dead run

3)At PRECISELY 6.35 feet from where she is standing, come to a DEAD stop. by this time, you will have eye contact.

4)Orient your head such that, using the eye level and direction of your mating interest as a reference, YOUR eyes are oriented UP at an angle of 15.34 degrees, and to YOUR LEFT at an angle of 64.992 degrees.

Now, these numbers are determined after thousands of observations, so don't get *too* worried about hitting them precisely - they should be used as guides for you to refine your technique.

At this point, your lady's interest will be solely affixed upon you. Don't worry. She is evaluating your reproductive ability based on how well you perform the following actions:

5)Maintaining the same angle with your eyes (and if necessary turn your head to do this), stomp purposefully with your right foot, while lightly dragging your LEFT foot, as you make your way around in a circle, with your love interest in the middle. Also, to ensure that she is aware that this is DEFINITELY a ritual for HER, make sure to grunt out in an "uhff! Chuff!" sound, repeating whilst circumnavigating.

NEVER APPROACH CLOSER than the 6.35 foot distance that you originally stopped your initial approach! To do so would end the ritual with you losing your love interest, and all nearby males tearing you to shreds. No pressure.

6)Once you have completed 2 circumnavigations, stop, stop with your right foot, then with your left. Dip your head and bring it back up swiftly, regaining eye contact.

If her pupils have dialated to .24 inches, Congratulations! She's definitely interested. However, if they have not dialated to AT LEAST .19 inches, well, you better run fast because once she emits her pain scream, all males within a 100 foot radius will attempt to kill you.

No pressure, and good luck!

Last edited by caustic meatloaf on Thu Jan 24, 2013 7:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 7:10 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

MyNameIsJeff wrote:

Sometimes in a work environment, it can be difficult in a restroom setting to either discover that a person is occupying a stall, or to notify a person of your presence.

When in doubt, I prefer, upon hearing a door open into the stall, to cough lightly, or shuffle my feet. When masturbating, I prefer to sob lightly. That usually gets them to clear out quickly so that you can finish!

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soyoung

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 10:33 pm

Joined: 14 Jul 2010 Posts: 185 Location: Seattle

caustic meatloaf wrote:

caustic meatloaf

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:08 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

In Georgetown there is a woodworking store that, I swear, measures moustaches before you're allowed to enter.

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tehschkott

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:17 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

Dear Joe

Should Texas secede? if so, why so? If not, why not?

- curious in country boots

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 8:24 am

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

Should Texas secede? if so, why so? If not, why not?

- curious in country boots

Once Texas repays all the federal money it has borrowed, then it can secede. Until then, it's the US of Goddamn A's bitch.

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Eric_s

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:57 am

Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 1691 Location: the dirty south

caustic meatloaf wrote:

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

Should Texas secede? if so, why so? If not, why not?

- curious in country boots

Once Texas repays all the federal welfare it has received, then it can secede. Until then, it's the US of Goddamn A's bitch.

FTFY

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henry

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 11:29 am

somewhat piggish Joined: 05 Aug 2005 Posts: 5415 Location: on porch with shotgun

Dear Joe -

After riding my bike to work for 8 years I found one day that it was just too damn cold and fucking wet for me. Ever since I've been going to the gym in the morning and then riding the bus and let me tell you: it's great!

I'm in way better shape now that i get real exercise every day.

I'm not constantly schlepping around piles of gross wet/sweaty clothes at home and work.

I get to watch Whale Wars on netflix while i'm on the eliptical machine and boy do i love to watch some silly hippies ride around in zodiacs!

But boy do i feel guilty wasting all these fossil fuels while i ride the bus to work.

What can do to assuage these terrible feelings of guilt?

xoxo,
Ballard Bus Boy

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jeff

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 12:18 pm

SOC pussy Joined: 05 May 2006 Posts: 4501

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

-Concerned Citizen

theereilly

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:26 pm

Joined: 29 Jun 2012 Posts: 157 Location: Central District

Dear Joe:

Why is Stephen so weird?

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Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:39 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

Eric_s wrote:

caustic meatloaf wrote:

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

Should Texas secede? if so, why so? If not, why not?

- curious in country boots

Once Texas repays all the federal welfare it has received, then it can secede. Until then, it's the US of Goddamn A's bitch.

FTFY

Texas had the right to secede, and actually tried to do so (it was called, I believe, the "civil war") unsuccessfully. Since then, they have lost the right to secede. A fact I don't think many Texans are aware of.

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langston

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:51 pm

Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 5547 Location: Columbia City

Dear Joe-

When I'm out walking the dog, I will occasionally witness either two light rail trains or two buses on the same route (like, the north & southbound #8)
cross paths. What's the odds of that happening?

Best,
Mathmaticaly Challenged

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tehschkott

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:13 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

soyoung wrote:

caustic meatloaf wrote:

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:22 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

henry wrote:

I find that externalizing my internal feelings of guilt and self-loathing upon unsuspecting others offers a fresh and zesty way to cope with issues. In this case, I'd suggest yelling more at other bikers, and possibly swerving to drive them off the road. The more bikers you can convert to your guilt-ridden way of life, the more comfortable you'll be amongst your peers.

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:23 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

jeff wrote:

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

-Concerned Citizen

Goin' to shoot my old lady - caught her messin' around with another man.

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:24 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

theereilly wrote:

Dear Joe:

Why is Stephen so weird?

the current theory is that, due to mild perturbations in the stratosphere over Tibet, due to a conflagration of butterfly sex, a mild electrical standing wave was created in teh space occupied by Stephen's head while he was resting as a child.

This mild standing wave amplified slightly, and during the development of young Stephen's brain, crucial neurons grew disproportionately fast.

That's the current hypothesis, at least.

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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:26 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

langston wrote:

By my rough, napkin calculations, I'd say that it's more likely than seeing a meerkat pee while standing, but not as likely as watching 4 cockroaches hiss simultaneously.

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fatasian

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:34 pm

dick wang's father Joined: 26 Aug 2008 Posts: 1707 Location: devenshire

tehschkott wrote:

clear winner

tehschkott

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:34 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

good answer!

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bott

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:48 pm

will kill you in your sleep Joined: 27 Jul 2005 Posts: 868 Location: Landlandia

caustic meatloaf wrote:

jeff wrote:

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

-Concerned Citizen

Goin' to shoot my old lady - caught her messin' around with another man.

Gold.

Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:16 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

caustic meatloaf wrote:

langston wrote:

By my rough, napkin calculations, I'd say that it's more likely than seeing a meerkat pee while standing, but not as likely as watching 4 cockroaches hiss simultaneously.

Ok, I can't help myself, I have to say something about this one.

There's a "brainteaser" that goes like this:

A monk walks up a mountain one day, starting at 8am. It take him until 5pm to get to the top. He sleeps there, and the next day, at 8am, he heads back down, taking the same route, and arrives at the base at 5pm.

On the way down, were there any points in time where he was at the exact same spot he was exactly 24 hours ago? (i.e. same place, same time as the previous day)

The bus problem has slightly different assumptions, but the same logic. As far as the chances that you are there to observe such a crossing, that depends on what kind of dog you have.

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langston

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:29 pm

Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 5547 Location: Columbia City

Chip McShoulder wrote:

classic troll teacher, answers question with another question.

My maths need more data points I don't have to derive an answer;

x number of trips each train makes per day, y number of trains, z time to do each leg. Assume each stops the same number of times and for the same amount of time and that the dog likes to pee 4 times a day. Boggle!

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the dreaded ben

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:40 pm

Grumpy Greeb Joined: 20 Aug 2005 Posts: 5329 Location: flavor country

Chip McShoulder wrote:

caustic meatloaf wrote:

langston wrote:

By my rough, napkin calculations, I'd say that it's more likely than seeing a meerkat pee while standing, but not as likely as watching 4 cockroaches hiss simultaneously.

the exact middle, right? your graph should be a perfect x.

Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:00 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

the dreaded ben wrote:

Chip McShoulder wrote:

caustic meatloaf wrote:

langston wrote:

By my rough, napkin calculations, I'd say that it's more likely than seeing a meerkat pee while standing, but not as likely as watching 4 cockroaches hiss simultaneously.

the exact middle, right? your graph should be a perfect x.

That assumes he walks at a constant rate both days, makes no stops, etc. I should have specified - he doesn't necessarily do those things.

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henry

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:08 pm

somewhat piggish Joined: 05 Aug 2005 Posts: 5415 Location: on porch with shotgun

While pooping i decided there's no way he travels at a constant rate in both directions. The only way it can possibly take as long coming down as going up is because he stops to get high somewhere.

We can probably assume that his smoke spot is somewhere near the beginning of his journey down because of course you want to get high where there's a good view.

But there might be a food stop on the way down too. Can we get information about where the Taco Bells are located along his route?

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the dreaded ben

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:20 pm

Grumpy Greeb Joined: 20 Aug 2005 Posts: 5329 Location: flavor country

Chip McShoulder wrote:

That assumes he walks at a constant rate both days, makes no stops, etc. I should have specified - he doesn't necessarily do those things.

well in that case, the position/time graph would be a wavy fucked up x, but still an x that needs to cross at some point. so the answer should still be yes, right?

Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:22 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

Yes, he stops for 5 minutes to get high every hour on the way down, and for 15 minutes every 3 hours at Taco Bell (now with 3 convenient mountainside locations).

On the way up, he did a bunch of amphetamines, and didn't stop to eat.

The important thing is the total trip takes the same amount of time up as it does down, once you include all the stops, etc.

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Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:27 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

the dreaded ben wrote:

Chip McShoulder wrote:

That assumes he walks at a constant rate both days, makes no stops, etc. I should have specified - he doesn't necessarily do those things.

well in that case, the position/time graph would be a wavy fucked up x, but still an x that needs to cross at some point. so the answer should still be yes, right?

Yes, that's exactly right. (mathematically, this can be seen as a consequence of the intermediate value theorem, though probably no one cares)

Another way to think about it is, if another monk started at the bottom of the mountain the second day at 8am, and walked exactly the same route/speed as the first monk on the first day, the two monks would have to meet somewhere in the middle of the mountain.

In the same way, if #8 buses are running all day north to south, as well as south to north, there's going to be a northbound #8 in the same place as a southbound #8 pretty frequently.

Last edited by Chip McShoulder on Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:30 pm; edited 2 times in total
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caustic meatloaf

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:27 pm

Joined: 06 Dec 2010 Posts: 1235537 Location: a hammy melange...

With the uncertainty of a real-world situation, that makes calculating the odds exceedingly difficult. But, if we simplify the situation, we can hopefully find an actual solution.

Say you have a path of length X, and spaced apart with regular intervals your bus stops. On each side of the street is a bus stop, and each distance between each stop is the same.

At the beginning of the day, the buses start at X(1), proceeding to X(n), with regular time intervals T, stopping for T(s) seconds at each stop.

At this point, what you could do is create a graph layout - on the Y axis have your time interval values T+T(s) for each X(n). So, from X(o) to X(1), the time interval is T+T(s). At X(2), it's 2(T:T(s)). etc.

And, on this chart, identify which stops are directly across from each other - maybe highlight two in particular or something like that.

In which case, you have a total number of stops, and a total time for each bus to travel the path, and then you can sum up the total number of "intersections" where a bus at one stop is overlapping with a bus travelling in the opposite direction. For a specific stop pairing, you'd simply add up all the bus overlaps at that stop pairing, and divide by the total number of overlaps at all stops for all times, and that will provide you with a probability value.

But, that's WAAAAY more simple than a real world situation.

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Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:31 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

Though yes, if you want one or both buses to be stopped when they meet, or you want langston and his dog to be there, then it probably doesn't happen nearly as often. (probably pretty rarely)

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tehschkott

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:58 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

if you're a bus (or train) though, keeping a schedule, on an effectively closed course, I imagine that crossing happens pretty consistently within the span of say, the same 150 meters (firing from the hip).

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Chip McShoulder

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 5:05 pm

dog licking ice cream cone Joined: 11 Aug 2008 Posts: 3022 Location: Rainbow Road

tehschkott wrote:

Yeah, you're right - assuming the buses run on a consistent schedule, given a specific 150 meter stretch, they either cross there very frequently, or hardly ever. And it would be stable regarding perturbations as well: if one of the buses is running slightly ahead/behind schedule, that only slightly changes the location where they cross. (no butterfly effect)

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tehschkott

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 5:19 pm

daywalker Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 6108 Location: Hatertown

Dear Joe

Am I right?

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the dreaded ben

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 5:45 pm

Grumpy Greeb Joined: 20 Aug 2005 Posts: 5329 Location: flavor country

tehschkott wrote:

Dear Joe

Am I right?

joe, can i handle this one?
ok, i'll assume your silence is consent.

dear scoot,

ahem, no. as it turns out none of us are right. ever.
rather we are mired in a meaningless, and wholly insignificant existence plagued by perpetual war and mindless self delusion, pettiness, and self medication that will ultimately be traded for a well deserved candle snuffing on a cosmic scale.
so, yeah, nope.

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